She was 17 and he was 19 when they met at the library. Three weeks later, they became inseparable and known around school as the cutest couple there was. She was an angel in human form and she devoted her time, soul and energy to him. She had had anxiety issues and had been having episodes since the death of her only sister four years before. Having him in her life had brought little rays of light into her darkness which she hid from the world. She confided in him her fears, her episodes, and her suicidal thoughts. He promised to be with her and see her through the darkness.

Nineteen months later, he broke up with her for no real reason. He was probably overwhelmed by her love. The breakup threw her under the train; it took away the only bright spot in her life. She couldn’t understand why her love, devotion, and care weren’t enough for the only thing she held on to. She felt worthless. Her grades began to drop. She started recoiling into her shell. She slept and wished she wouldn’t wake up. In sleep she felt peace; waking up was walking into nightmares and misery again.

To her, she had done something wrong, something she couldn’t remember or correct. She didn’t want to be with anyone and didn’t want to be alone. She was hurting; the wounds in her soul got deeper and they bled heavily. Her state of mind was blank, and she became totally drained. Some days, she wanted to disappear into nowhere. Her heart was irreparably broken and there was no joy in her; all she wanted to do was to lay in the mud, shut her eyes and drown in tears until she was lost.

Her anxiety worsened and the more she tried, the hazier it became. He had awoken a heart that was numb and was scared to feel anything. He taught her how to love but she had to learn to fall out of love and not stop loving herself. She tried to forget him, but the thought of him was ingrained in her skin, so deep that it followed her to her dreams.

Her friends underplayed her situation. They made matters worse, telling her to forget him. They called her an epitome of beauty and how many men would go to the extreme just to spoil her with a never-ending love. “He doesn’t deserve you. He is probably somewhere thinking he is enjoying life. Move on and stop crying for just a boy.” However, he was not just a boy to her; he was her pillar, her source of joy and hope. It was not just about a boy. It was about the only one who knew who she really was.

The one who vowed to walk the thorny and lonely path with her. The one whose voice was enough to calm her unstable mind. It stopped being about love; it was about life, crawling back to the haunted cave she managed to escape from and finding succour in the monsters she fled from. She wished it was easy to forget him. If she was worthy of the love of many, why did the only one she needed leave her in the lurch without any justification?

These questions threw her into more confusion. One evening, he called her. Her heart leaped; she believed he was finally coming to save her; to fulfill his promise, to walk with her through her darkness. She picked up the phone and from the other side he said,

“I know you are crazy and you can do insane things. Please, if you want to kill yourself, don’t put my name up anywhere; so nobody blames me or call me out on social media. Thank you.”

He dropped the call. She drowned herself in her own tears. She became numb, feeling nothing; not even the slightest of pains. She took the blade by the vase and cut herself bleeding to her escape and peace.

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Chijioke Onuchukwu

A humanist trying to find his purpose with a pen and a book

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